Minggu, 19 Juni 2011

day 4

my 5th day of taking my pills. i feel okey with my brain. but at least 1 hours a day, i feel like this was not me and am crazy. i have no idea about what to do. i planned to check to another doctor just to have another opinion, perhaps the cure also.
i dont want to blame anyone for my illness, but sometime i doubt about GOD. i feel like "His" unfair to me, by giving me this illness and sometime i feel that he ignoring me. i dont want to think that way, but, i cant stop my self from it.
i know GOD testing me and try to warn me by this illness, but sometime its to hard for me. i hope GOD help me tu thru this, helping me by giving me strength and faith, untill "He" open the gate of cure for me.

Kamis, 16 Juni 2011

Day 3

After not taking a medicine for a week, finally i made another consultation to my doctor, then the result was i have to take the medicine again. and my attitude is bit change because of it. i really begging to my doctor, that i really want to stop taking the medicine. really hard to realize that your sanity hanging on pills.
honestly after that consultation my spirit to get well was lil down. because i really thinks that the doctor will say that am okey. but in fact i have to take that medicine again. now, even i feel well, still lil bit strange, but i keep thinking how to struggle and free from the pills.
i want to have another treatment but its way to expensive. i cant afford it. i have to find another way to earn money, not only for me, but also for my family. i really want to get well soon.
SEMANGAT MONA!!!!

Minggu, 12 Juni 2011

Day 2

After a week not taking my medicine, i feel so up and down. the first 2 days i feel okey, like am taking my medicine. the third days i feel gloomy but i can handled. the fourth days, still feel gloomy in the morning but continue for all day long. in the afternoon i feel empty in my head, but just mild feeling, its seduced me to taking medicine, but i hold it. then am waiting for half an hour, till my head feel full and then suddenly "click" feeling come to my head and i feel like normal person.
but, may be because i read to much about depression, first and even until now, there is a doubt about mania time. may be its not normal, may be its mania. but after i read more about manic depressive, am not part of it. because i dont feel any energy escalate, or even mood roller coaster.
i try to hold the temptation for taking medicine again to day, even i feel worse than yesterday. i feel empty again in my head, but i try to distract my focus to reading. and i made it, finished one book in 3 hour. not bad. and i planned to hold this situation till i met my shrink tomorrow. hope i will came up with better situation even he will declare that am free from my depression ,.....AMMMMMIIIIIIIIINNNN,....

Senin, 06 Juni 2011

day 1

for the last 4 days i feel okey. coz am still taking the medicine. so, everything is under control. i decided to take this pil for a week, before i let it go, for sure. its part of trial, which i hope gonna be my last trial, so i can free from this medicine.
my feeling before i taking this medicine,was, i felt uncomfortable at home, feeling treath and sad. Its was unbarely sad, so i decided to take the pil again.
but, after i had clear mind i made several evaluation :
1. i have no reason to feel depress, but i still depress, means its in my brain, and i should wash a way.
2. the feeling always come when am at home. so i have to erase my trauma about all the rules that my dads made for me, coz the rule is no longer exist.
3. i feel like am going crazy, but its just another crazy idea that i have in mind because am soo thinking about it. in fact my day run normal like other people. if am busy, i never think about that at all. so, i have to keep my mind busy with other things.
4. i did exercise for the last 2 days. to day i skip it, but i will do it again tomorrow. not yet feel the impact of exercise, but i hope its will come soon.
5. i have to build my confidence again, that i just have light depression, its can be cured and not gonna leave any bad impression, just like other people who had it before me.
6. i have to say " that am just fine" every day,..and i skip it "sholat and Tahadjud"
from all that evaluation, i hod i can improve next day,..and can free from depression as soon as possible. Give me miracle GOD.

Sabtu, 04 Juni 2011

Declared WAR!!

Aku menderita depresi selama 2 tahun terakhir. Tahun pertama aku tidak menyadari bahwa itu depresi. Namun memasuki tahun kedua, sampai sekarang aku menyadari dan berjuang untuk lepas dari depresi ini.
Menderita depresi adalah hal yang sama sekali tidak pernah terpikir olehku. Aku adalah orang yang ceria, terbuka dan banyak omong. Sepertinya sulit orang dengan kepribadian seperti ku terkena depresi. Namun kenyataannya, aku sudah 2 tahun bergelut dengan depresi, walau banyak yang tidak menyadarinya.
Sisi pribadiku yang lain adalah, aku seorang perfeksionis dan pemikir. Aku anak yang terkekang dan memiliki banyak pantangan dari orang tua. Aku hidup dalam tabung kaca, steril dari keadaan yang berat dan jarang harus membuat keputusan sendiri. Semua sudah beres oleh orang tua, dan papa, 24 jam mengawasiku. Dari situ, aku menjadi pribadi yang penasaran dan sulit.
Dari sebuah larangan yang tak masuk akal depresi ku bermula, berlanjut dengan ketidaktahuan, aku mengalami depresi berkepanjangan. Dan syukur Tuhan masih membiarkan ku berpikir, sampai akhirnya aku mendapat perawatan.
Namun, karena semuanya bersumber dari kekecewaan ku terhadap kondisi dirumah, maka setiap aku pulang kerumah, perasaan tak menentu itu melanda ku lagi. aku bisa seharian bermuram durja dan merasa berat didadaku. Biasanya perasaan itu akan hilang jika aku mengkonsumsi antidepresant ku.
Namun, aku tak bisa terus menerus bergantung pada obat itu. Lagi pula, yang kutakuti adalah rumah kusendiri, dan orang-orang yang kucintai, terutama papa. Aku tak bisa hidup begini terus, aku harus bangkit, dan lepas dari obat-obat ini. Tak peduli dimanapun aku berada, aku harus bisa sembuh seperti sedia kala.
Oleh karena itu, mulai dari sekarang, aku akan bertekad dan berusaha untuk sembuh, dengan segala cara yang mungkin. Dan aku akan mulai merubah gaya hidupku. Aku akan menulis semua perkembangan dan kemunduran (kumohon, jangan sampai) pada blog ini. Setiap harinya. Aku ingin benar-benar sembuh!!! Dan aku harus sembuh!!!