Boring, unfinished theme of my life. I had "not bad" job, "not bad" friends ( some are bad, in a real meaning of bad ), had "not bad" crush and so many "not bad" other things.
But yet, far from satisfied, i counted the pain. Thinking about so many useless things, that actually happen ( some are very bad,..but i should overcome and forget them ), and stuck in some point, in the corner of boredom. When that feeling came, all the confusion, all the passionless spirit, all the anger that appears faster than it should,...i cant handled. I loose my self to tears, that should not come, i guest.
I know the boredom will drawn me, deeper and deeper to another pain. But, what if, theres no right person around that i can tell my pain, who can understand me, and not tutoring me about life,..caused that thing also boring. How can i erased this feeling ?
Stuck feeling, came along with the boredom. Feels like u cant move ur feet anywhere but back same spot. Seeing wrong person, can exploded the anger that should not came. And again,...how can i get out from here ?
I really want to scream and run out from all this feeling,...but, yet the feeling grow so fast in me,..out of my control,...
Minggu, 20 Februari 2011
Huuuuffff,...another complaining. I didn't know, why my life never run as smooth as silk, but, another why, why its all because of others ? Never because of me. I try to be good to every bodies, try to go with their joke, and most of the time am always success, then disaster happen. Just like this time. Somebody, completely stranger, came in, as good guy, a driver in my company. His great in massaging people. God's give him a gift to do that. He help me with my hearth problem, am really great full for that. We getting close, as he put me as a daughter. I didn't like that. Never like it !! But, i made no complain, try to understand his way. Then, everything run normal. And finally, he had problem with the way am talking with my friends. He think am talking to much and not lady enough. Even, without saying a bad or swerd words. Crazy !!!!
Then, he start the threat, that he put on me yesterday. Every time i scream, during his massage time ( his massage was really hurt!!!, its normal to scream), he always said, that he take away all my speak ability, and will shaped my manner ( nothing wrong with my manner, FOR GOD SHAKE!!!!). Then, yesterday, he did it. He did it without any reason, or anger. He just did it, because he feel he needs it and and its will turn me into a better person!!! And for 2 days my mouth really hard to speak. I even cant have a conversation with my sister!!! I dint want to believe it, but have no idea but to asked him. And then i heard that laugh and happy voice. He did it!!! And sound he feel so satisfied with that.
Then, i went to his house, asked him to put me back to normal. I really wanna cry that time. His the one who talking to much, as i realized that time. He feel so proud about his ability, and feel so close to God, closer than others, till he think all his act was right ( shut people mouth without any mistake, but joking with others, was right to!!) . And then, am regretting all the moment that we have together. I really wants to turn back the time, and erased him from my life. He put me back to normal ( am still not sure about it ).
But, its give me trauma. Am thinking about that moment for the whole day, since yesterday. I cant stop thinking, why. Why God, never made my life run smoothly without problems, why God give him such gift, just to know that he will using to treat me ?? Why, God not stop all that gift, and put him just like other people, so he cant treat me the way he did,why GOD loves to make a joke with my life....So many why,...
And know, i have to face new fear, the fear that will take long time to heal, the fear of him, the fear of meeting him, the fear of being taking away from my best ability that, GOD give me by himself !!! Why God allow such a people to have that kind of ability ??? And why i have to met him ? Can he just dissapear from my life ? I dont know,...but, please GOD, solve this problem for me,...just like u always did before,......PLEASE,.......stop this joke,...PLEASE GOD,....