Day 3

After not taking a medicine for a week, finally i made another consultation to my doctor, then the result was i have to take the medicine again. and my attitude is bit change because of it. i really begging to my doctor, that i really want to stop taking the medicine. really hard to realize that your sanity hanging on pills.

honestly after that consultation my spirit to get well was lil down. because i really thinks that the doctor will say that am okey. but in fact i have to take that medicine again. now, even i feel well, still lil bit strange, but i keep thinking how to struggle and free from the pills.

i want to have another treatment but its way to expensive. i cant afford it. i have to find another way to earn money, not only for me, but also for my family. i really want to get well soon.

SEMANGAT MONA!!!!

Day 2

After a week not taking my medicine, i feel so up and down. the first 2 days i feel okey, like am taking my medicine. the third days i feel gloomy but i can handled. the fourth days, still feel gloomy in the morning but continue for all day long. in the afternoon i feel empty in my head, but just mild feeling, its seduced me to taking medicine, but i hold it. then am waiting for half an hour, till my head feel full and then suddenly "click" feeling come to my head and i feel like normal person.
but, may be because i read to much about depression, first and even until now, there is a doubt about mania time. may be its not normal, may be its mania. but after i read more about manic depressive, am not part of it. because i dont feel any energy escalate, or even mood roller coaster.
i try to hold the temptation for taking medicine again to day, even i feel worse than yesterday. i feel empty again in my head, but i try to distract my focus to reading. and i made it, finished one book in 3 hour. not bad. and i planned to hold this situation till i met my shrink tomorrow. hope i will came up with better situation even he will declare that am free from my depression ,.....AMMMMMIIIIIIIIINNNN,....

day 1

for the last 4 days i feel okey. coz am still taking the medicine. so, everything is under control. i decided to take this pil for a week, before i let it go, for sure. its part of trial, which i hope gonna be my last trial, so i can free from this medicine.

my feeling before i taking this medicine,was, i felt uncomfortable at home, feeling treath and sad. Its was unbarely sad, so i decided to take the pil again.

but, after i had clear mind i made several evaluation :

1. i have no reason to feel depress, but i still depress, means its in my brain, and i should wash a way.

2. the feeling always come when am at home. so i have to erase my trauma about all the rules that my dads made for me, coz the rule is no longer exist.

3. i feel like am going crazy, but its just another crazy idea that i have in mind because am soo thinking about it. in fact my day run normal like other people. if am busy, i never think about that at all. so, i have to keep my mind busy with other things.

4. i did exercise for the last 2 days. to day i skip it, but i will do it again tomorrow. not yet feel the impact of exercise, but i hope its will come soon.

5. i have to build my confidence again, that i just have light depression, its can be cured and not gonna leave any bad impression, just like other people who had it before me.

6. i have to say " that am just fine" every day,..and i skip it "sholat and Tahadjud"

from all that evaluation, i hod i can improve next day,..and can free from depression as soon as possible. Give me miracle GOD.

Declared WAR!!

Aku menderita depresi selama 2 tahun terakhir. Tahun pertama aku tidak menyadari bahwa itu depresi. Namun memasuki tahun kedua, sampai sekarang aku menyadari dan berjuang untuk lepas dari depresi ini.

Menderita depresi adalah hal yang sama sekali tidak pernah terpikir olehku. Aku adalah orang yang ceria, terbuka dan banyak omong. Sepertinya sulit orang dengan kepribadian seperti ku terkena depresi. Namun kenyataannya, aku sudah 2 tahun bergelut dengan depresi, walau banyak yang tidak menyadarinya.

Sisi pribadiku yang lain adalah, aku seorang perfeksionis dan pemikir. Aku anak yang terkekang dan memiliki banyak pantangan dari orang tua. Aku hidup dalam tabung kaca, steril dari keadaan yang berat dan jarang harus membuat keputusan sendiri. Semua sudah beres oleh orang tua, dan papa, 24 jam mengawasiku. Dari situ, aku menjadi pribadi yang penasaran dan sulit.

Dari sebuah larangan yang tak masuk akal depresi ku bermula, berlanjut dengan ketidaktahuan, aku mengalami depresi berkepanjangan. Dan syukur Tuhan masih membiarkan ku berpikir, sampai akhirnya aku mendapat perawatan.

Namun, karena semuanya bersumber dari kekecewaan ku terhadap kondisi dirumah, maka setiap aku pulang kerumah, perasaan tak menentu itu melanda ku lagi. aku bisa seharian bermuram durja dan merasa berat didadaku. Biasanya perasaan itu akan hilang jika aku mengkonsumsi antidepresant ku.

Namun, aku tak bisa terus menerus bergantung pada obat itu. Lagi pula, yang kutakuti adalah rumah kusendiri, dan orang-orang yang kucintai, terutama papa. Aku tak bisa hidup begini terus, aku harus bangkit, dan lepas dari obat-obat ini. Tak peduli dimanapun aku berada, aku harus bisa sembuh seperti sedia kala.

Oleh karena itu, mulai dari sekarang, aku akan bertekad dan berusaha untuk sembuh, dengan segala cara yang mungkin. Dan aku akan mulai merubah gaya hidupku. Aku akan menulis semua perkembangan dan kemunduran (kumohon, jangan sampai) pada blog ini. Setiap harinya. Aku ingin benar-benar sembuh!!! Dan aku harus sembuh!!!

27 th

27 already
still alone, no company, no honey
no money,..
27 already
battling with never ending depression
for almost 3 years
battling with fragile bodies
for the entire life till
27 already
still looking for some cure
still looking for some peace
still looking place to reconcile with life
still looking for the best way
to pray,..
27 already
and am in circle that hard to break
27 already
wishing for many things
but, only can working for several things
27 already
God, give me chance to heal
body and soul,...

Boring, unfinished theme of my life. I had "not bad" job, "not bad" friends ( some are bad, in a real meaning of bad ), had "not bad" crush and so many "not bad" other things.
But yet, far from satisfied, i counted the pain. Thinking about so many useless things, that actually happen ( some are very bad,..but i should overcome and forget them ), and stuck in some point, in the corner of boredom. When that feeling came, all the confusion, all the passionless spirit, all the anger that appears faster than it should,...i cant handled. I loose my self to tears, that should not come, i guest.
I know the boredom will drawn me, deeper and deeper to another pain. But, what if, theres no right person around that i can tell my pain, who can understand me, and not tutoring me about life,..caused that thing also boring. How can i erased this feeling ?
Stuck feeling, came along with the boredom. Feels like u cant move ur feet anywhere but back same spot. Seeing wrong person, can exploded the anger that should not came. And again,...how can i get out from here ?
I really want to scream and run out from all this feeling,...but, yet the feeling grow so fast in me,..out of my control,...

The way GOD Joking with me,...

Huuuuffff,...another complaining. I didn't know, why my life never run as smooth as silk, but, another why, why its all because of others ? Never because of me. I try to be good to every bodies, try to go with their joke, and most of the time am always success, then disaster happen. Just like this time. Somebody, completely stranger, came in, as good guy, a driver in my company. His great in massaging people. God's give him a gift to do that. He help me with my hearth problem, am really great full for that. We getting close, as he put me as a daughter. I didn't like that. Never like it !! But, i made no complain, try to understand his way. Then, everything run normal. And finally, he had problem with the way am talking with my friends. He think am talking to much and not lady enough. Even, without saying a bad or swerd words. Crazy !!!!

Then, he start the threat, that he put on me yesterday. Every time i scream, during his massage time ( his massage was really hurt!!!, its normal to scream), he always said, that he take away all my speak ability, and will shaped my manner ( nothing wrong with my manner, FOR GOD SHAKE!!!!). Then, yesterday, he did it. He did it without any reason, or anger. He just did it, because he feel he needs it and and its will turn me into a better person!!! And for 2 days my mouth really hard to speak. I even cant have a conversation with my sister!!! I dint want to believe it, but have no idea but to asked him. And then i heard that laugh and happy voice. He did it!!! And sound he feel so satisfied with that.

Then, i went to his house, asked him to put me back to normal. I really wanna cry that time. His the one who talking to much, as i realized that time. He feel so proud about his ability, and feel so close to God, closer than others, till he think all his act was right ( shut people mouth without any mistake, but joking with others, was right to!!) . And then, am regretting all the moment that we have together. I really wants to turn back the time, and erased him from my life. He put me back to normal ( am still not sure about it ).

But, its give me trauma. Am thinking about that moment for the whole day, since yesterday. I cant stop thinking, why. Why God, never made my life run smoothly without problems, why God give him such gift, just to know that he will using to treat me ?? Why, God not stop all that gift, and put him just like other people, so he cant treat me the way he did,why GOD loves to make a joke with my life....So many why,...

And know, i have to face new fear, the fear that will take long time to heal, the fear of him, the fear of meeting him, the fear of being taking away from my best ability that, GOD give me by himself !!! Why God allow such a people to have that kind of ability ??? And why i have to met him ? Can he just dissapear from my life ? I dont know,...but, please GOD, solve this problem for me,...just like u always did before,......PLEASE,.......stop this joke,...PLEASE GOD,....