2011

Things that so memorable about 2011

1. Added a lot of people to my friends list :)
2. Had the best birthday party ever, thanks to my friends :)
3. Added my self as a member of 2 different big family :)
4. First trip alone to abroad, even not so far :)
5. Had 7 man thats says, they love me (its a history for me!!) even though i only loved 1 of them up until now :)
6. Being in the very bottom of my life for the first time, till i need to escape from life for a few days, for the 1st time :(
7. Had my very emotionally intense kiss for the 1st time :) (normally i kissed as a hallo )
8. Had my very comfortable hug, in my very weak point ever, even only for 10 minute :)
9. Failed to maintain 6 friendship :(
10. Failed in my job for the first time :(
11. Had chance to get to know West Sumatera even better than before :)
12. Make a brave decision for chasing my dream, which gonna put my life in uncertainty for couple years :)
13. Has a scandalous life for the 1st time :(
14. Reached pretty high salary, since i started working :)
15. Learning and fall for NGO world :)
16. Had chance to explore many different area with very cool vehicle :)
17. Has a very dynamic life, that made me work without any sleep at all :)
18. And, the best part, i finally figured out, many people love me, am blessed to have them in my life :)

Reading this list, i decided to entitled this years as the "Most Memorable Year" in my life :) Which mean, this year not plain at all,..like i used to have,...its colorful, tasty, roller coaster feeling ,..... its rich of flavor !!!

Sebuah Pertanyaan

Aku tak pernah mau bertanya, seberapa jauh manusia mau berlari dari hasrat, karena jawabannya adalah tidak jauh. Namun aku ingin menolak kenyataan bahwa manusia bisa bergerak jauh karena hasrat.

Hasrat adalah tetap sebuah misteri untuk ditaklukkan oleh manusia. Ada yang berusaha dengan keras, hingga dia bisa membuat hasrat itu terkendali, namun lebih banyak manusia yang hasratnya menjadi lebih liar dari seharusnya, karena berusaha sejalan dengan hasrat itu.

Pun aku sendiri, telah mengenali banyak hasrat dalam hidupku. Hasrat terliar yang ada didiri manusia sudah pernah ku jelajahi. Namun hasrat ini tidak pernah berbatas, bahkan ketika semua batas telah tertembus. Masih ada lapisan hasrat yang menggoda untuk kukenali. Lapisan yang liar namun terlarang.

Sampai saat ini aku masih menantang diriku sendiri, seberapa jauh aku berani melangkah atau mungkin berlari mengikuti hasrat itu,......belum ada jawaban pasti, karena otakku masih berpikir, sedangkan hatiku ber asa dengan merana. Apakah ada perhentian segera sesudahnya ?

keluarga

apa arti keluarga ?

yang bertautan karena perkawinan ?

yang bertalian darah karena peranakan ?

atau,...

asing yang bertemu dijalanan dan berkenalan ?

dan menjalin persahabatan ?

atau,....

kumpulan bodoh, yang saling menyalahkan ?

yang saling caci tak peduli ?

yang sengaja mengingkari tali darah karena marah ?

apa arti keluarga ?

aku tak mau tahu lagi,...

sejak pertalian darah itu membuatku terluka

dan berulang kali murka,...

aku kecewa,....

salam pada rindu

ada rinai malam ini

ditingkahi angin yang menyusup dingin

dimalam-malam terdahulu

yang seperti ini

aku pasti akan menyapamu

mencari secercah hangat dalam binar mata itu

ketika melihatku,...

sekarang,....

malam yang sama seperti dulu,..

pun dingin masih meraja

tanpa hangat dimata yang tak lagi berbinar itu

aku merindu,...

hutan pinus

dikejauhan,..

berderet pinus memagari bukit kecil

tak begitu kokoh

terselubung kemisteriusan kabut

ujungnya melambai

menyapa awan.

seperti pernyataan cinta

awan setelah hujan membalasnya

mengalungkan pelangi

dideretan pinus itu

memberi keindahan yang hangat

setelah menyisakan kabut

yang dingin dipuncak bukit kecil itu

untuk mu

aku hanya menatap

jauh kebalik kabut

berharap diseberang sana kau melakukan hal yang sama

karena kita tak lagi bersama

namun aku belum bisa lupa

bahwa kita punya rasa

entah rasa yang sama

atau hanya aku yang ber asa

aku menatap kabut itu semakin dalam

namun tak ada bayang yang tercipta

hanya dingin yang semakin menusuk

dan kebas yang makin meraja,

aku kehilangan,...

day 10

entah kenapa, aku merasa membutuhkan udara segar ketika selesai berkonsultasi dengan kakak temanku. padahal dia sedang mengusahakan kesembuhan bagiku. mungkin karena aku harus mengulang semua cerita yang sebenarnya ingin aku lupakan dan hanya berfokus pada penyembuhan penyakit ini, dan bukan penyebabnya. namun kesempatan untuk mendapat udara segar itu tidak ada, karena tidak mungkin aku keluar rumah tanpa ijin mama atau papa, dan untuk 2 hari ini, temanku sibuk semua, dan tidak ada yang bisa diajak.

belum lagi masalah sampingan yang cukup serius yang sedang terjadi saat ini. ketika semua yang aku pikir tulus, mulai terasa seperti permainan. dan makin lama makin terasa seperti permainan. huffffff,.......aku benar-benar butuh udara segar!!

doubt

if i stay,...
i will get hurt deep
if i go
i dont know how much its will hurt me
should decided to stay
or to go ?

day 9

entah kabar baik, atau berkah ramadhan yang kuterima ketika salah seorang teman baikku menelpon. awalan percakapan kami hanyalah percakapan ringan biasa, sampai dia teringat hal penting yang harusnya sudah disampaikan padaku beberapa hari yang lalu. dia sempat beberibicara dengan kakak salah seorang teman kami dan perbincangan itu sampai pada pembahasan masalah pengobatan depresiku. setelah dia menjelaskan keadaanku, dan menyebutkan nama dokter yang sedang merawatku sekarang, dia terkejut, dan langsung bilang kalau itu bukan dokter yang bagus. dia dokter yang akan membuat pasiennya bergantung pada obat. dia bukan dokter yang akan mendengar keluhan pasiennya untuk waktu yang lama. dan hal itu memang benar. namun aku tak pernah berpikir bahwa dia seorang dokter yang buruk, karena setelah memakan obat yang diberikannya aku merasa jauh lebih baik. dan tujuan ku kesana memang untuk lepas dari ketergantunganku akan obat depresi itu.

sekali lagi aku merasa tersentak dan pedih disudut hatiku, tidak ingin lagi bertanya pada Tuhan, namun hanya sedikit keluhan, begitu panjang jalan yang harus kutempuh untuk kesembuhan ini. aku tidak akan marah lagi pada Tuhan, karena semua ini bukan salahnya, semua salahku, namun tetap terselip sedikit protes, kenapa semua ini harus terjadi padaku, dan kenapa semua proses ini begitu panjang hingga membuat orang-orang disekitarku lelah. jika hanya aku yang menjalani proses ini sendiri, aku tidak akan terlalu sedih, namun selain aku, orang-orang disekitarku juga ikut lelah. terutama orang tuaku,....

namun, aku yakin Tuhan memang sayang padaku, karena aku mengetahui fakta itu, dia juga menyertakan solusinya. temanku bilang ada dokter yang mungkin bisa menolongku, untuk terlepas dari obat-obatan itu, dan dia tidak menggunakan obat untuk menyembuhkan penyakitku. dan temanku sangat mendukungku,......Karenanya aku bersyukur, sekali lagi, Tuhan masih memberikanku kesempatan untuk berusaha,...walau aku bukan hambanya yang baik,....

day 8

semua sedang berkumpul, bahagia membuat kue dan ribut dengan semua persiapan lebaran. aku bahagia, dengan semuanya, dengan adik dengan mama dan dengan papa.

semua sakit terlupakan, namun terselip tetap doa, sehatkan lah aku segera Tuhan, agar kebahagian ini lengkap,...

the choice

something deep down inside,

there is desire thatd demanded to be free,

meanwhile, everything outside is forbidden

is it a sins to ignore the forbidden?

or is true to follow the forces from inside?

the desire is a little bit wild

the forbidden so strict

even i cant breath,

i breath heavily

never reveal the truth

but never can hide what i feel inside

so, what is the idea,..

being a sinner or being caught in a doubt ?

little girl that dying

somebody killed little girl

inside me

the little girl that taking any kind of attention

and prefer warm hug than a kiss

the little girl that love to twirling with ballgown

dancing in the rain

and follow the smile of the sun,...

am not sure its makes it dead

but for sure

its dying and shattered

Dedicated to MJ for his song, Little Susie

Rindu Rielke

kau kejam,

berkali-kali kau bunuh aku

namun setiap kali

kau panaskan darahku

dengan ciumanmu

dan jantungku berdetak lagi

aku tak mencoba lari

dan kau tak mencoba pergi

kita hidup sebagai 2 badan

yang hendak berdetak bersama

namun, seperti kisah lama

Rielke harus mati

untuk kehidupan Lou Salome

Harap

Jika aku berkata tentang malam,

aku takut pagi enggan datang

bahkan keindahan bintang pun

menjadi berkurang,

aku tak benci,

hanya tak suka gelap

gelap,

seperti tirai penghalang pengharapan

sedangkan pagi,

adalah pengharapan yang mahal untuk kunanti

aku tak bisa melupakan malam, karena begitu dekat

dan berat rasanya mengingat pagi, karena begitu jauh

setiap harinya,

aku melewatkan kata malam,

namun mencoba merapalkan kata pagi

bagai sebuah mantra untuk harapan,...

Day 7

feel a lot better, and the doctor already reduce the dose of one of my pills. thats really good progress for me. i feel the hope still there, and all i have to do is keep trying, and never give, i believe there are something beutiful waiting for me there :)

day 6

after 3 weeks struggling with high feeling,..like the lost kite, i decided to go to another doctor. i make a bet again. but i keep thinking, if am not doing now, when ? and how its gonna end, we all never know,..once again, i put my life in God hands. still with lil scare,..
after taking the medicine, i feel okey,..i feel full and more calm,..or too calm,..am not sure, i had severe cold and menstruation to,..so, i dont know the exact feeling that i have now. but in general, i feel okey, even i feel a lil bit not me, in first hour of taking that pills. i hope this week will end soon,..and i will go for control again,...i need my laugh back,...i need my concius mind back,...

day 4

my 5th day of taking my pills. i feel okey with my brain. but at least 1 hours a day, i feel like this was not me and am crazy. i have no idea about what to do. i planned to check to another doctor just to have another opinion, perhaps the cure also.

i dont want to blame anyone for my illness, but sometime i doubt about GOD. i feel like "His" unfair to me, by giving me this illness and sometime i feel that he ignoring me. i dont want to think that way, but, i cant stop my self from it.

i know GOD testing me and try to warn me by this illness, but sometime its to hard for me. i hope GOD help me tu thru this, helping me by giving me strength and faith, untill "He" open the gate of cure for me.

Day 3

After not taking a medicine for a week, finally i made another consultation to my doctor, then the result was i have to take the medicine again. and my attitude is bit change because of it. i really begging to my doctor, that i really want to stop taking the medicine. really hard to realize that your sanity hanging on pills.

honestly after that consultation my spirit to get well was lil down. because i really thinks that the doctor will say that am okey. but in fact i have to take that medicine again. now, even i feel well, still lil bit strange, but i keep thinking how to struggle and free from the pills.

i want to have another treatment but its way to expensive. i cant afford it. i have to find another way to earn money, not only for me, but also for my family. i really want to get well soon.

SEMANGAT MONA!!!!

Day 2

After a week not taking my medicine, i feel so up and down. the first 2 days i feel okey, like am taking my medicine. the third days i feel gloomy but i can handled. the fourth days, still feel gloomy in the morning but continue for all day long. in the afternoon i feel empty in my head, but just mild feeling, its seduced me to taking medicine, but i hold it. then am waiting for half an hour, till my head feel full and then suddenly "click" feeling come to my head and i feel like normal person.
but, may be because i read to much about depression, first and even until now, there is a doubt about mania time. may be its not normal, may be its mania. but after i read more about manic depressive, am not part of it. because i dont feel any energy escalate, or even mood roller coaster.
i try to hold the temptation for taking medicine again to day, even i feel worse than yesterday. i feel empty again in my head, but i try to distract my focus to reading. and i made it, finished one book in 3 hour. not bad. and i planned to hold this situation till i met my shrink tomorrow. hope i will came up with better situation even he will declare that am free from my depression ,.....AMMMMMIIIIIIIIINNNN,....

day 1

for the last 4 days i feel okey. coz am still taking the medicine. so, everything is under control. i decided to take this pil for a week, before i let it go, for sure. its part of trial, which i hope gonna be my last trial, so i can free from this medicine.

my feeling before i taking this medicine,was, i felt uncomfortable at home, feeling treath and sad. Its was unbarely sad, so i decided to take the pil again.

but, after i had clear mind i made several evaluation :

1. i have no reason to feel depress, but i still depress, means its in my brain, and i should wash a way.

2. the feeling always come when am at home. so i have to erase my trauma about all the rules that my dads made for me, coz the rule is no longer exist.

3. i feel like am going crazy, but its just another crazy idea that i have in mind because am soo thinking about it. in fact my day run normal like other people. if am busy, i never think about that at all. so, i have to keep my mind busy with other things.

4. i did exercise for the last 2 days. to day i skip it, but i will do it again tomorrow. not yet feel the impact of exercise, but i hope its will come soon.

5. i have to build my confidence again, that i just have light depression, its can be cured and not gonna leave any bad impression, just like other people who had it before me.

6. i have to say " that am just fine" every day,..and i skip it "sholat and Tahadjud"

from all that evaluation, i hod i can improve next day,..and can free from depression as soon as possible. Give me miracle GOD.

Declared WAR!!

Aku menderita depresi selama 2 tahun terakhir. Tahun pertama aku tidak menyadari bahwa itu depresi. Namun memasuki tahun kedua, sampai sekarang aku menyadari dan berjuang untuk lepas dari depresi ini.

Menderita depresi adalah hal yang sama sekali tidak pernah terpikir olehku. Aku adalah orang yang ceria, terbuka dan banyak omong. Sepertinya sulit orang dengan kepribadian seperti ku terkena depresi. Namun kenyataannya, aku sudah 2 tahun bergelut dengan depresi, walau banyak yang tidak menyadarinya.

Sisi pribadiku yang lain adalah, aku seorang perfeksionis dan pemikir. Aku anak yang terkekang dan memiliki banyak pantangan dari orang tua. Aku hidup dalam tabung kaca, steril dari keadaan yang berat dan jarang harus membuat keputusan sendiri. Semua sudah beres oleh orang tua, dan papa, 24 jam mengawasiku. Dari situ, aku menjadi pribadi yang penasaran dan sulit.

Dari sebuah larangan yang tak masuk akal depresi ku bermula, berlanjut dengan ketidaktahuan, aku mengalami depresi berkepanjangan. Dan syukur Tuhan masih membiarkan ku berpikir, sampai akhirnya aku mendapat perawatan.

Namun, karena semuanya bersumber dari kekecewaan ku terhadap kondisi dirumah, maka setiap aku pulang kerumah, perasaan tak menentu itu melanda ku lagi. aku bisa seharian bermuram durja dan merasa berat didadaku. Biasanya perasaan itu akan hilang jika aku mengkonsumsi antidepresant ku.

Namun, aku tak bisa terus menerus bergantung pada obat itu. Lagi pula, yang kutakuti adalah rumah kusendiri, dan orang-orang yang kucintai, terutama papa. Aku tak bisa hidup begini terus, aku harus bangkit, dan lepas dari obat-obat ini. Tak peduli dimanapun aku berada, aku harus bisa sembuh seperti sedia kala.

Oleh karena itu, mulai dari sekarang, aku akan bertekad dan berusaha untuk sembuh, dengan segala cara yang mungkin. Dan aku akan mulai merubah gaya hidupku. Aku akan menulis semua perkembangan dan kemunduran (kumohon, jangan sampai) pada blog ini. Setiap harinya. Aku ingin benar-benar sembuh!!! Dan aku harus sembuh!!!

27 th

27 already
still alone, no company, no honey
no money,..
27 already
battling with never ending depression
for almost 3 years
battling with fragile bodies
for the entire life till
27 already
still looking for some cure
still looking for some peace
still looking place to reconcile with life
still looking for the best way
to pray,..
27 already
and am in circle that hard to break
27 already
wishing for many things
but, only can working for several things
27 already
God, give me chance to heal
body and soul,...

Boring, unfinished theme of my life. I had "not bad" job, "not bad" friends ( some are bad, in a real meaning of bad ), had "not bad" crush and so many "not bad" other things.
But yet, far from satisfied, i counted the pain. Thinking about so many useless things, that actually happen ( some are very bad,..but i should overcome and forget them ), and stuck in some point, in the corner of boredom. When that feeling came, all the confusion, all the passionless spirit, all the anger that appears faster than it should,...i cant handled. I loose my self to tears, that should not come, i guest.
I know the boredom will drawn me, deeper and deeper to another pain. But, what if, theres no right person around that i can tell my pain, who can understand me, and not tutoring me about life,..caused that thing also boring. How can i erased this feeling ?
Stuck feeling, came along with the boredom. Feels like u cant move ur feet anywhere but back same spot. Seeing wrong person, can exploded the anger that should not came. And again,...how can i get out from here ?
I really want to scream and run out from all this feeling,...but, yet the feeling grow so fast in me,..out of my control,...

The way GOD Joking with me,...

Huuuuffff,...another complaining. I didn't know, why my life never run as smooth as silk, but, another why, why its all because of others ? Never because of me. I try to be good to every bodies, try to go with their joke, and most of the time am always success, then disaster happen. Just like this time. Somebody, completely stranger, came in, as good guy, a driver in my company. His great in massaging people. God's give him a gift to do that. He help me with my hearth problem, am really great full for that. We getting close, as he put me as a daughter. I didn't like that. Never like it !! But, i made no complain, try to understand his way. Then, everything run normal. And finally, he had problem with the way am talking with my friends. He think am talking to much and not lady enough. Even, without saying a bad or swerd words. Crazy !!!!

Then, he start the threat, that he put on me yesterday. Every time i scream, during his massage time ( his massage was really hurt!!!, its normal to scream), he always said, that he take away all my speak ability, and will shaped my manner ( nothing wrong with my manner, FOR GOD SHAKE!!!!). Then, yesterday, he did it. He did it without any reason, or anger. He just did it, because he feel he needs it and and its will turn me into a better person!!! And for 2 days my mouth really hard to speak. I even cant have a conversation with my sister!!! I dint want to believe it, but have no idea but to asked him. And then i heard that laugh and happy voice. He did it!!! And sound he feel so satisfied with that.

Then, i went to his house, asked him to put me back to normal. I really wanna cry that time. His the one who talking to much, as i realized that time. He feel so proud about his ability, and feel so close to God, closer than others, till he think all his act was right ( shut people mouth without any mistake, but joking with others, was right to!!) . And then, am regretting all the moment that we have together. I really wants to turn back the time, and erased him from my life. He put me back to normal ( am still not sure about it ).

But, its give me trauma. Am thinking about that moment for the whole day, since yesterday. I cant stop thinking, why. Why God, never made my life run smoothly without problems, why God give him such gift, just to know that he will using to treat me ?? Why, God not stop all that gift, and put him just like other people, so he cant treat me the way he did,why GOD loves to make a joke with my life....So many why,...

And know, i have to face new fear, the fear that will take long time to heal, the fear of him, the fear of meeting him, the fear of being taking away from my best ability that, GOD give me by himself !!! Why God allow such a people to have that kind of ability ??? And why i have to met him ? Can he just dissapear from my life ? I dont know,...but, please GOD, solve this problem for me,...just like u always did before,......PLEASE,.......stop this joke,...PLEASE GOD,....

sebuah jalan sepi,...

kupapah pikiranku,..
menjelajah jalan sepi,..
tak berpohon dan panas,..
apa yang bisa terlintas dipikiran ini
selain jalan batu berdebu
segala emosi beku
mencair, bahkan mendidih,...
namun jalan ini sepi
tak ada yang bisa kulempari dengan batu,...
pikiran ku melantur
seperti peluh ku yang meluntur
sekali lagi,..
kupapah pikiranku
mencoba untuk berpikir baik,...
ditengah jalan sepi,
tak berpohon dan panas ini,..