betwen hope, reality, insanety,..n love,..

i just comeback to my hometown, with ruin body n soul,..am looking for some medication, near the people whose love me.
i keep questioning, why GOD always try my faith with all this illness. sometime i felt almost fall apart,..i hug mommy to make sure that am still standing and sane,..i really give her burden, every time i hug her,..sorry for that mom,..
my body torn apart, by many illness that stay inside my body, never let me feel better,..as long as i want,..
my head, keep spinning around,..thinking crazy things that i have no idea where its came from,..am not ambitious, am not so passionate,..but this head keep going crazy for almost this 4 month,..
i know, am not good person,..but i guess am not that bad either,..
i try to convince my self, that i will get better,...believe in GOD hands,..but still searching the reason behind,.."why me GOD,..."
along with all this ruin,..i just in love,..found some hope by seeing his smile,..
i never dare to think further, to having more than his smile,..his smile is enough,..
i did wonder if i can be with him,..having his touch,..
but then, when i look at my self,..found me as weak n unwell girl,...no, he deserve better than me,..
but yes,...his smile help me to think i want to get well,..soon,..
i will find a medication for all this illness,..
n, i have to thank you GOD, for give me this hope n courage,..through his smile,...
GOD, give me strength to keep hold on on his smile,..till i gather the pieces of my fall apart world back,...
and,..hope i can back to my old time as healthy person,..body n soul,..n may be, i can dreamed more than his smile,....
please listen to my pray GOD,..n give me chance,..