Being ill

For so many times i get sick. Get this kind of illness or those kind of illness. For so many times, i keep struggling for my health. But, i was alone during that time, i dont feel like i will hurt anyone. As if my parents, they have another daughter. But, now, am sick again, also with worse condition, and am not alone. I had husband beside me. That make this illness even worse. I have to go with him tru this pain, which is more painful. I just want share happiness with him, not illness. Its will hurt him, hurt my parents more.
God, i keep questioning why all this things happen to me. I wonder why God keep testing me with all this. I dont want to said that am angry at You, but somehow i do feel you hate me. Why me God? I know am not faithfull moslem, but somehow, i just want to make my people around me happy. I dont want to be sad source for them. I wish i can understand God reason why having me like this easily....but i cant...
God, just give me health like other people. They have health, can do anything and can have kids. And make their husband or parents happy. I want to do both, make my husband happy, and make my mom feel easy about her life.
I dont want to say, just allow me die God, becaused i dont want to die. But, somehow, all this illness ruin my feeling and emotion God.
God, please, allow me to get healthy again. Can do this and that again. No more illness and please, allow me to make my husband happy to have healthy wife God. Please God. Please...Please...

Menampung Hujan

hati ini terlalu lama terbengkalai

hanya menikmati panas matahari

terik dan benderang

dan ragam perasaan lalu lalang 

yang tak singgah

lalu hati ini terayu keteduhan mendung

kelabu tak gelap

goyah terbeban hujan...

hati ini terlalu lama terbengkalai

cenderung menikmati perasaan yang singgah oleh mendung

bertaruh pada hujan

demi sebuah kesejukan dan basah

layaknya hujan singgah

dia menetap 

hati ini tak ingin terbengkalai lagi

mencoba menikmati curahan hujan

yang menyejukkan

namun kadang berlebihan.. 

Mabuk

kemana jelaga itu pergi?
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seberapa jauh abu itu akan terbang?
memenuhi udara kota mati

apakah terbang dalam ilusi
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semua baris kalimat tak bersambung ini
mengawang didalam kepala ku yang tak berisi

Dilema

ketika air mata menjalar
aku merasa berdosa
karena tak bisa berkelakar
dan membuatmu tertawa

andai aku memiliki pemahaman
bahwa memahami mu itu sulit
bahwa membuatmu percaya itu pelik
menghilangkan kesinisanmu pada dunia adalah luar biasa

mungkin sabarku akan bertambah
mungkin semangatku tak gampang padam
mungkin usahaku akan sekeras baja
dan mungkin,
tangisku tak sesering saat ini

kita terjebak diruang hampa,
aku dengan kelemahanku
kau dengan keraguanmu
aku tak ingin menjadikan tangis ini lumrah
aku ingin bahagialah yang meraja

aku ingin kita menjawabnya bersama
kala kau mengerti,
bahwa kau dan aku tak ingin terpisah